The Strength and Fragility of Indian Fatherhood
A child is a man’s biggest strength. And, also the biggest weakness!
How does a father get superpowers after a child is born?
Why does he crumble into pieces when his child is taken away from him, unfortunately?
Let’s investigate!
PS: I am not a father myself, I learnt all these from my conversations with other fathers.
The Birth
The moment a baby is born, the first emotion the father experiences is this - relief!
Mother experiences physical pain while the child is born.
However, when the wife is in the labour, a man’s mind haunts him with hundred things that can go wrong in the delivery.
The ‘protector’ in him knows deep down that he has not made contingency plans for those 100 things that can go wrong.
The protector in him curses himself for putting his wife and the child through this.
While he is freaking out about these scary possibilities, when he hears the baby’s first cry, all he feels is relief.
The Affection
The next moment, relief goes out of the window and he feels the purest form of affection towards his own child.
It is HIS child, HIS child, HIS child!
His body floods his brain with oxytocin, the hormone for attachment.
This happens without the brain realizing it is a celebration for spreading his own genes.
However, this is not THE most important factor that attaches a father to his child.
The Realization
Within a few days, there comes a moment where he realizes that the baby feels safe with him.
The baby cries when others hold it, but not when HE does.
At this moment, it hits him - His child loves him without ANY judgment!
In fact, that child is the ONLY person who loves him without even a single expectation!
Not his parents, not his siblings, not his friends, not his wife, not even his own self - They all show either judgment or expectation or both, along with their love.
To any man, this is NEW!
He discovers what we call Unconditional love.
And, he gets hooked to it!
The Drug
This addictive drug called ‘Unconditional love’ pushes the man to be his best.
He wants himself to be deserving of the love he receives.
- Some men sober up after a baby is born.
- Some men leave gambling after a baby is born.
- Some men take risky jobs after a baby is born.
- Some men start exercising after a baby is born.
- Some men start cleaning their house after a baby is born.
The specifics are different for each man.
But, the baby transforms the man into a superhero who can do things now that he could not before.
The Pride
The day the man goes back to work, after his baby is born, even his insensitive boss can see his visible happiness.
He shares his happiness with his friends and colleagues. He gloats in the pride - “I am a father now!”
However, he keeps looking at his watch every minute or so.
Because, every single moment, all he can think of is his baby.
Every single moment, he longs to go back home and hold the baby.
And this loop continues.
The Malice
While men may not have enough emotional vocabulary to express all these things, women understand these.
If a man has the misfortune of having a malicious or misguided wife, she takes stock of his emotions one by one, within a few days.
Many a times, some experts give advice to the wife to do such things.
Good women don’t take this advice. Bad women do.
Malicious wives even do some innocent-looking experiments to gauge their husband’s reactions.
In a matter of days, they figure out which switch activates which bulb in a man’s brain.
The Departure
When a vindictive wife wants to negotiate with a man, or worse hurt him, she simply leaves the house taking the child.
This generally happens at a time when the man least expects it.
Now, she says “If you want access to the child, do X”
And, all hell breaks loose!
The Hell
Three things happen in a man’s mind at that time:
-
He feels cut off from his only source of unconditional love.
-
He sees himself as a failure because he could not protect his child.
-
He is worried what might happen to the child under the care of the mailicious wife.
All these things CRUSH him!
Oh, and if the demand of the wife goes against his ‘protector’ or ‘provider’ duty towards his parents, it confuses him.
He now feels like a failure, no matter what side he chooses.
The Action
Some men crumble under this pressure and act.
They either:
- Take the child back forcefully
- Agree to the wife’s demands
- Fight the wife’s demands (sometimes legally)
Unlike the above men, most men (much to the dismay of their wives), freeze! They disconnect from the world and put off making any decision.
They become zombies and mechanically go about their lives.
The Response
When the man freezes, the malicious wife thinks “the pressure was not enough”.
After all, they had done the homework of figuring out which switch activates which bulb.
She increases the pressure indefinitely, in a game where no one wins.
Meanwhile, the zombie father still has the pent-up emotions that crave that hit of unconditional love from his child.
The Concoction
Within a matter of days, the man’s mind concocts a new threat - What if they brainwash my child saying I am a bad man?
Now, the child will also judge him.
All his efforts to transform himself to be deserving of the child’s love are decimated!
The man shatters once again when he discovers this possibility.
The Grief
While all this happens, there is NO psychological support for him anywhere.
He might open up while drinking with his friends, but he quickly realises they also judge him at some level. So, it feels futile to him within a few moments.
This grief of loss of his child eats him up from inside. He does many things (in his own mind mostly) to get just ONE glimpse at his child.
If courts are in the picture, the courts dangle this carrot in front of him - “You can see your child for ONE hour someday in the future.”
And that ONE hour with his child feels like a Godsend to him, despite it being meager!
The Decimation
If you see, just with a child’s separation, a man is decimated.
Now, combine that with criminal cases filed on his WHOLE family by his vindictive wife.
This wife does not attack a man or his family - They attack his ‘protector’ instinct.
This is why you see almost no 498a complaints against just the man.
If you see, Atul Subhash conquered all of these monsters silently every day.
The Support Systems
This gnawing inside grows unbearable day by day, unless there is a good support system.
And, men don’t realize they have such support systems. So, let’s talk about them next 👇
Support system #1 - Yourself
You can be the biggest support to yourself by:
- Understanding why you feel what you feel
- Verbalizing and naming these emotions (at least on a piece of paper or to ChatGPT) without looking for solutions
- Spotting these feelings in other men around you
- Trying to spot the issues in the system, and not with the people. You will be able to free yourself by forgiving (not forgetting) your wife one day.
These 4 things sound simple but they actually feel like you are trying to do gymnastics while immersed in 50 feet of water, with a rock tied to your feet.
A friend of mine came out of this exercise and he now says “I am paying well for my son’s wellbeing. He is taken care of like a Raja in my father-in-law’s house. I know he is taken care of. Why should I worry?”
Another friend came out of this exercise and says “I know I have a better chance of talking to my son man-to-man after he grows, rather than now. So, I will wait until then but meanwhile, prove my innocence in court”
Another friend’s daughter now grew up, thinks he is a good father and now is in the process of moving in with her father.
Support system #2 - A male friend
Not everyone has a close male buddy who they can open up to.
In case you have one, don’t hesitate to use this support system.
- Talk to your buddy, without expecting them to empathize with you - Remember, you talking is the point, not them understanding.
- Do not make the chats about you only. Make it generally about men and their feelings. This makes them feel included in the conversations, allowing them space to express themselves.
- Most importantly - Don’t take what they say seriously. They are conditioned to think about solutions to every problem. It takes time to get them out of that habit :)
Support system #3 - A men’s community
In case you could get access to a community of men like you, make it a priority to be there.
This not only makes your pain bearable, but also opens you up to multiple other perspectives from other men.
You could use all 3 of these support systems simultaneously for accelerated relief.
Now, what do we do as a society?
- Push for clear guidelines for father’s access to child when there is a matrimonial dispute.
- Push for punishment for false accusations
- Push for clear accountability on any govt official aiding false accusations
- Listen to men in your life when they want to talk about their pain. Dont jump into solutions. They are not asking for your money, just your ears.
- Show men some love ❣️
Peace✌️